Flim Flam

He: "Why don't you come over and I'll make you salmon.  I'm a really good cook."

Me: "That does sound good.  Alright, count me in."

The first time showing up to a guy's house can be an interesting experience.  I mean,  you learn an awful lot about a person by how they choose to keep their own space.  Or by how they choose to not keep their space, as in this story.  I show up to (Name witheld)'s house and he leads me into a room that I can only describe as a hamster cage.  Only it wasn't a cage, it was his living room.  But it smelled like a hamster cage, and I'm pretty sure there was a wheel somewhere in the pile of crap all over the floor.

He: "Have a seat, I cleared off the couch for you."  By that he meant he cleared a space big enough for the butt of a toddler.

I think it was at this point I realized the kitchen was letting off an aroma that was clearly NOT salmon.  "Don't panic" I thought to myself.  "He's just a guy, and guys tend to not be as tidy as girls and... whoa, did something just move behind that stack of newspaper?"

I decide that sticking close to the host was a better choice.  Except, once I walked into the kitchen and realized I couldn't take back that move I immediately wished I was giving mouth-to-mouth to a family of suffocating skunks. (Name witheld) apologized for the dirty dishes in the sink.  Admittedly, my gaze hadn't made it past the pile of garbage bags piled up against the kitchen counter where the "clean" dishes were stacked.  Clutching tightly to my purse, hoping it wasn't going to need to be destroyed after being exposed to such filth, I finally made my way to the stove.  No salmon.  No veggies.  No rice.  No delicious things.  I found this guy browning a log of ground beef.  Yes, I said a log.  Taco shells, lettuce, shredded cheese and salsa were all on the counter next to the stove.  Thankfully all of these items were safely sealed in their original packaging.  "Whew" I thought.  Finger food was an unexpected pleasure since it could be managed without the use of any questionable utensil.  I'm sure he thought I was a bit odd when I refused even a plate and ate my taco over the sink to avoid... making a mess?  

He: "Seconds?"

Me: "NO!"... which I think actually came out as, "No, thank you."

My date suggested we leave for an after dinner activity.  I felt like I was given a second chance at life.  We head outside.

He: "Hey, do you mind driving?  My car is kinda messy."

Me: "What the $@*$"... which I think actually came out as, "um... ok?"

He: "Great!"

One Blockbuster trip, a single episode of "The Office" and a failed attempt by my host to put "the moves" on me later, I was safely back inside my car where I mentally added "What is your idea of clean?" to the list of necessary questions to ask any future potentials.  

Phone rings.

He: "Hey beautiful!  Thanks again for coming over, I've been having so much fun getting to know you."

Me: "uhhhh"... which I think actually came out as, "You didn't make me salmon."