Public Service Announcement

It has recently come to my attention that there are those in our world who have not been properly taught in the way of correct gym attire. I am taking time out of my life to pass along this free list of fashion No-No's when it comes to breaking a sweat. Please understand this list has been condensed because my fingers will tire quickly. If you still have questions following this session, please feel free to post your specific concern.

Even though the gym is definitely not the only venue where a mullet should be banned, it is EXTREMELY high on the list. Let me break this down for you. When your mullet has turned into a sweat-soaked rat tail that swings freely with the weight of neck dew it immediately ruins the breakfast that I would have enjoyed following my workout. Please do not bring that hair to my gym. I know parting with a hairstyle after almost 3 decades can be traumatic. This is where the hair-patch comes in. Much like the patches that you use to help quit smoking, this patch is worn on your arm and has a weekly date. On that date, you cut an inch from the hair. Depending on the mullet length, this process can take anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 decades. You can double up on the patch if you feel your progress is improving quickly. Good luck.

Next, while his legs are far more delish than mine, Richard Simmons is a solo act and NOT a trend. Please men, do not bust out any article that has anything shiny on it. I don't care how hard you try, rhinestones do not pass as reflective tape. Sorry. And while we're on the topic of Richard... There should be no 'scrunch' socks in my gym. Thank you.

Just because you have a tank top, shorts, socks, shoes, and a headband the exact same shade of bubblegum pink does not give you the right to wear all of these things at the same time. There is a fine line between coordinating and crazy, and with that outfit you have crossed it. You aren't cute, you look like that chalk-like antacid liquid I have to chug after seeing that sweaty rat tail (as mentioned in paragraph 1).

Panties and shorts are not the same thing. Know the difference.

When you run your dear little heart out on the treadmill, please remove your jacket. It makes me uncomfortable to watch you sweat more than necessary with that extra load. I cannot give my workout the full attention it deserves when I am so concerned about whether or not you are going to pass out from your stupidity. Do us all a favor, and lighten the load.

When you wear MC Hammer pants it cancels out any kind of coolness you hoped to earn with your big guns. I don't care how long it took your mom to hand-stitch those bad boys, leave them home.

Ladies: Putting makeup on before you workout is stupid.

Well, that's it for this educational post. Glad to help!